Breaking the habit of apologising.
I love this from Dr Julie Smith on YouTube.
Is your ‘Saying Sorry Unnecessarily Jar’ full?
Yes we do this in England. A lot. We say sorry for no reason.
Why do we do it?
I had two Greek friends at University who found our habit of saying sorry hugely amusing. They asked me why we say sorry, even if it was clearly the other person’s fault. They called it ‘the English thing’.
Not just a female trait
It’s a cultural trait rooted in feelings of powerlessness and aims to avoid conflict. It’s a nice habit in many ways, and does make for harmony to some degree. But we can overdo it!
Have you noticed how rarely your senior leaders say sorry? When and if they do, it can be powerful, but it’s certainly not a habit. We would soon lose faith in them if they kept apologising.
Often we have been bought up to be ‘good girls’ (or boys but it’s usually a conditioned response demanded more of girls) and to take responsibility for smoothing ruffled feathers, for putting things right and for creating harmony. That can be great as a parent, but not so good at work. It sets you up for being taken for granted, overlooked and even gaslighted.
Saying sorry and being generally over apologetic or humble will not be rewarded and that flies in the face of that early conditioning that says it will, leading to confusion, irritation, frustration, hurt and a feeling of powerless.
How can SF Hypnotherapy help?
SolutionFocused hypnotherapy can gently help you uncover what you want and need aligned with your own values, beliefs, and you explore and uncover your deepest motivations.
SF conversations can strengthen your sense of self worth so you don’t feel the need to keep apologising. Over a few weeks, you can re-define your own worth and begin living according to your own values with growing inner confidence and a greater sense of certainty. You might be surprised how small and subtle changes in how you think, act, interact and communicate can change the way others treat you and how you feel about yourself.
Change doesn’t need to be radical
Change need not be radical and dramatic to be significant either. In fact steady, slow, incremental steps forward are often the most sustainable and feel the must comfortable.
You might start with your LinkedIn profile or your CV. Ask yourself “If I rewrite my LinkedIn profile or my CV to show all my skills, knowledge and experience, without apology or diffidence, what would it say? Would it be different? How?
And if you changed your LinkedIn profile to reflect your true worth, what difference would it make?”
Trauma, Shame or Self Worth
If that exercise is uncomfortable in any way then it may be linked to trauma, shame or self worth issues and it’s worth seeking support to help overcome or resolve those feelings or past traumas. Solution Focused Hypnotherapy and Rewind Trauma Therapy can help with that too.
You may not believe it yet, but you are worth it.
Jane Pendry
Sense-Ability Hypnotherapy & Coaching, Online, U.K., Europe & USA
jane@sense-ability.co.uk
Wheatley, Oxford, OX33 1XJ
+44 (0)7843 813 883